Apple Music, the long-awaited streaming service from the smarties at Cupertino, made its official three months ago. Do you love music? If yes, you need to follow these steps and get the Apple Music installed on your iPhone. Here’s how to install Apple Music on your iPhone.
Step 1: Open “Settings” on your iPhone.
Step 2: Once you’re in “Settings” go to “General” and hit “Software Update.”
Notice: You’re going to need a Wi-Fi connection.
Step 3: If eventually you have never used your office’s Wi-Fi. Ask the nigga in charge for an help and get the password of your office’s Wi-Fi, elect the appropriate network. Enter the 16-digit string of letters and numbers in varying cases two to three times until you get it right. Log in. Stare unblinkingly out the nearest window while the connection tethers. Congrats! You’re in.
Step 4: You’re going to have to update to iOS 8.4. It shouldn’t be a problem if you were already on iOS 8.3.
Step 5: You don’t have enough room on your phone to meet iOS 8.4’s minimum space requirements. Regret begins to swell in the pit of your belly. Why the fuck didn’t you just go for the 32 GB phone instead of the 16 GB like a goddamn cheapskate?
Step 6: Go back to your homescreen. Delete Snapchat, Foursquare, Facebook, Yelp, Spotify, and whatever that game is with Kate Upton in a toga that you’ve never played but accidentally downloaded one night while slightly buzzed during a cab ride home because their advertising is both omnipresent but somehow unmemorable.
Step 7: Open Photos. Spend the next three hours hiding in a bathroom stall meticulously combing through your Albums. Delete all your selfies. Delete the baby photos that you had stashed away for Throwback Thursday. Delete all your friends. Delete your family. Linger a few extra seconds over the photographs of you and your ex-girlfriend from a last-minute ski weekend in 2012, those smiles big and bright. Then delete those, too.
Step 8: Save the old photos of your family dog, who died last August. He was 14, but still. Remember how Mom and Dad waited two weeks to tell you because they didn’t want to be a burden during what was otherwise a stressful time in your life, and besides, they couldn’t adequately process the pain of losing him themselves, at least not yet? Get mad at yourself for getting mad at them at the time, then compartmentalize all those angry thoughts metastasizing in your brain and hide them away in an under-accessed region, where you hope, hope, hope, hope, hope to God that they’ll just go away. Take a deep breath. Reassure yourself that Benny is in a better place now.
Step 9: You’re still out of space. Delete all those pictures of your dog.
Step 10: Now that you have enough room, install iOS 8.4. This will take a while. It’s dark outside. Everyone has gone home for the night and your office is empty. The motion lights in your office flicker off. Resist the urge to hurl your phone into the nearest lake when the Installation bar stalls at 25%, then again at 65%, and at 99%, for what seems like an eternity. Wait for your phone to restart, and realize just how naked you feel when you’re temporarily disconnected from everyone you know. Laugh big and loud once you realize how absurd that is. Get quiet when you realize that no one will be calling, anyway.
Step 11: Success! Apple Music is installed! Open the Apple Music app. Start a free three-month trial ($9.99 after the trial ends, $14.99 for the family plan). Forget that the only album in your Library you’ve ever paid for is Bon Iver’s “For Emma, Forever Ago.” Slink back into your chair and let the darkness wash over you like a warm bath.